LinkedIn is currently full of content like this. Typically however, it’s the creation of some poor social media intern hired by a marketing agency hired by an international job board, who is tasked with churning out 500 vanilla words. Given that we can’t afford a social media intern, it will be yours truly writing it, and I’ll try and add a more honest, or at least realistic, list of tips and tricks.
I was actually going to write this next week, but I didn’t for 2 reasons. Firstly, it’s this week and next which are the real hot bed of office Christmas parties. Next Friday will be too late for most of you. Secondly, I saw this article in the Herald yesterday. For those too lazy to read, Eke Panuku, the council-controlled organisation (CCO) in charge of Auckland’s central-city regeneration are set to have their Christmas party a few hours after a vote about their future existence. Most believe that Eke Panuku will be voted out of existence, meaning the 200 or so workers will be drowning their sorrows as opposed to welcoming in a bright 2025. This party, which carries a whole $30 per head subsidy, sounds like my idea of hell, and should any attendees read this blog, please disregard any advice. You have every right to misbehave. So here we go.
Get as a drunk as you want…but eat food
This is a big one and contradicts the accepted wisdom – but please, hear me out. Telling people not to get drunk at Christmas parties is as old as Christmas parties themselves. And yet, never has it been achieved. At what point do we stop advising people to do the impossible? I am a fan of simplicity, but if it were as simple as “not getting too drunk” then this type of blog wouldn’t exist. Instead, I think we need to think about the potential pitfalls of getting drunk. If we can avoid these, then being drunk is not the issue. And feeling guilt for getting drunk, or not remembering getting home, leads to “hangxiety” – that anxious feeling in your gut which can last through to Monday morning. And no one who doesn’t punch their boss deserves to feel that. In my experience, the thing that separates the drunkest people in the room is the consumption of food. If you eat well, you’ll get drunk, but not sloppy drunk. And that’s enough to survive.
Imagine that you’re the most unattractive person in the room
If you are someone who overrates their desirability, and makes often unreciprocated advances to others, then you are beyond help. I’m not going to advise you not to drink (see above – you’ll ignore it anyway), I’m advising you not to go to work events in general. Sadly, all of us have seen this happen. People (typically women) have been made to feel incredibly uncomfortable, and people (usually men) have ruined their careers, reputations, and relationships. And for what gain? A quick grope? A massage of your ego? It’s a waste for everyone. Instead, I’d advise everyone to approach these situations with the mindset that no one wants to have sex with them. If Lydia in accounts appears to be checking you out, just assume that she has a stigmatism. If you think Jarrod in Marketing has just brushed your thigh, assume he’s just accidently spilt Kiwi dip. There are many places to pursue romance, but this one only leads to trouble. Or marriage. Same thing really.
Don’t attempt to “bury the hatchet”
Recruiters working for the same firm fall out on a regular basis. It’s the nature of what we do and who we are. Most of these are resolved as we go, but bigger issues tend to fester. What better place to “clear the air” with a colleague than over a few Christmas drinky-poos? Nope, think again. Shouting “…and you really upset me when you called the client directly” into your colleague’s ear as Denise from payroll grinds her vagine into Leroy’s thigh to “Mysterious Girl” might seem like a good idea. It isn’t. You have more than a 50% chance of reigniting the dispute versus settling it. As a rule, at a Christmas party where booze is flowing, do not mention anything negative from the past. Instead, just try being nice to the person who pissed you off. Come January, you’ll be firm friends and can resolve the “misunderstanding” over a coffee. Scores are never settled at such events.
Don’t “have it out” with your boss at the event. Do it today.
This has been a year to piss off your boss, and be pissed off by your boss. Without taking sides, I’m going to suggest that it’s been a pretty tough year for everyone. So tough, that a wronged recruitment consultant may feel it’s about time that they gave it to their boss straight. This may feel like an act of bravery, but alas, it isn’t. It’s an act of cowardice. The truly brave don’t wait until they’ve had a skin full of overly-passionfruity Sav. Instead, they march into their bosses office right now and give it to him or her both barrels. Career suicide perhaps, but you’ll be more erudite than you will be 24 hours and 7 glasses of wine later. You might even garner some respect.
Don’t set budgets, give out tokens, or “subsidise” anything
This is for those who organise these things, or at least control the purse strings. If you work for an organisation who wants staff to pay for their own Christmas party, then it’s not really a Christmas party. If you don’t have a budget to have a party, then there’s your answer – don’t have one. Maybe I’ve been a recruiter too long, but I’d rather stay in and re-watch my Weakest Link VHS boxset than go to Eke Panuka’s $30 “tropical themed” party. At the strength I like ‘em, $30 barely gets me one marguerita. In my experience, most who go to these types of “parties” rarely want to go. Why not just save the money, and allow those who want to go for a drink afterwork to do so, without the need to wear a Hawaiian shirt?
Buy a drink
This goes out to recruiters, not the random bunch of LinkedIn addicts who read this blog. In the world of Recruitment, it is accepted that the firm pays for everything on a Christmas party. Drinks, food, accommodation, boats, activities, spray-tans – the lot. It is one of the reasons we’re perceived as such wankers. The money for this has to come from somewhere of course, and in some instances, it’s a bottomless pit of global money. Often in NZ however, it is out of the pocket of owner-operators. Now of course these people owe their team an end of year reward, however, that doesn’t mean that they don’t appreciate acts of manners and class. When the main festivities have passed, and everyone limps round the bars of Ponsonby or the Viaduct, putting your hand in your own pocket and buying your boss a $19 cocktail is worth its weight in gold. It’s easy to get caught up in the freeloading, but a gesture like this really does mean something to a business owner.
Anyway, enough from me. If you haven’t had your party already, best of luck. It can be a fun yet treacherous time of year.
^SW
