Getting banned from LinkedIn is easy enough. Trust me. All you have to do is write a few sharp blogs, tag a few people, and “enjoy” the cut’n’thrust of a comments section. Mostly, you’ll get banned for (as far as I’m concerned) no biggie. Such is life. In my strange and deluded world, this what I’m sending you on your way for:
Writing anything about paying for someone’s groceries or food order
Incredibly this is still happening. Just look at this quite frankly incredible post. People are still making these stories up, and others are liking it, sharing it, and telling the poster how heroic they are. I have never found myself in this situation, and if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t jump on LinkedIn to tell everyone about it. Were these people not hugged enough as children? Did their “Uncle” hug them too much? We’ll never know – but this should be a lifetime ban on the spot.
Emerging as a motivational speaker, coinciding with your discovery of ChatGPT
I’ve mentioned this multiple times before. The spacing. The double-dash. The “Here’s what I learnt”, “showing up”, that f*cking rocket emoji. In fact, all those f*cking emojis. If you want to convey the word “unicorn”, you could just write it? Do we need to be speaking about unicorns quite so much anyway? All of a sudden, and I’m sure it’s a total coincidence, a bunch of people have found their voice. A voice that matches every other voice talking the absolute same sh*te. ChatGPT has a lot to answer for right now.
Sycophantically commenting on a “business leader’s” LinkedIn post
Greg Savage, John Chow, Simon Sinek, Bill f*cking Gates. There’s always some insurance salesman, lifecoach, or “Consultant” trying to grab a coffee with them in the comments section: “Couldn’t agree more Greg. Was having the exact same conversation with a CEO the other day. Coffee?”. “Too true John. We should connect offline”. “This.” Like agreeing with a post written by a marketing department is somehow going to get you on the board at Microsoft or position you as mates with the Sultan of Brunei.
Posting irrelevant photos for “engagement”
The post is about a vacancy. Why is there a photo of your dog? You’ve started a new job. Why do I have to see your son’s nativity play? Cool story about paying for someone’s groceries, but why the pic of you in a suit in a flash restaurant? Why? Please tell me?
Filming yourself in a parked car
“Hey guys, just had some thoughts I wanted to get down. I’m been thinking about mental health recently etc etc etc”. All filmed, for some reason no one can explain to me, from your car. An interesting fact is that nothing of any interest has ever been recorded in this way. The second you see it, you need to keep scrolling. There are people who have lost weight or stopped drinking that NEED your attention just below….
Talking about your fitness or health “journey”
It’s great that people get in shape and improve their lifestyle. It really is. Call me a sociopath, but I just really don’t care to hear about it on LinkedIn. I don’t even believe that you’re sharing it to motivate others. You just know it will get likes. This should result in a warning not a ban, however, this should be upgraded to full ban if you describe it as a “journey”. I feel the term journey, like unicorn, has been corrupted and overused. Leave it long enough, and posters will be going on journeys riding unicorns. Well done for using the stairs and staying off crack however.
Telling us you’re going on holiday, “signing out”, or informing everyone that “well…that’s a wrap”
And we shall be seeing plenty of this soon. Signing out like you’re the hero of your own variety show is a hard one to avoid. I’ll be doing it myself next week. Should I be banned? Probably several times over.
Last blog of the year next week. Lovely.
^SW
