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Politics is a funny ol’ game. Just look at the UK. Some messy-haired toff soars to the biggest job in the land off the back of Brexit, to then come within a whisker of losing his job for hosting illegal raves, only to bounce back by decreeing that all lockdown restrictions created by his own party were essentially bollocks. The public truly is a fickle mistress, and you can move from hero to zero and back again in the time it takes me to write these 700 words on a Friday morning. During my methodical research for today’s musings, using not just two news websites, but Facebook as well, I’m observing the same thing happening here. Ardern, a leader who according to Facebook, has killed more than Pol Pot, has gone from the darling of the international press, to Himmler’s ginger stepchild. It seems that restricting the death toll to 53 isn’t enough for the New Zealand public. No sir. We want some hideously entitled, godawful pregnant journalist to be flown home by private Learjet piloted by a topless Jason Momoa. Reading LinkedIn and Facebook, it would appear that MIQ has been a personal affront to all our mothers and the Virgin Mary herself, and that Ardern, sticking with the biblical theme, should be stoned to death as a “fallen woman”. Up until yesterday morning, Jacinda was a dead man walking.

Like BoJo giving the UK back its right to snort cheap coke, Arden may have saved her own skin with yesterday’s easing of border controls. MIQ (which has saved shit loads of lives but I really must stop going on as I know you all vote National), has been political suicide for Labour, and Ardern specifically. Alas, the end is now in sight. And unless we have a new variant (which we probably will), here’s a quick look at what it could mean for us recruiters:

Step 1: February 27 – Kiwis in Australia

In no time at all, bogan Kiwis who have been living on the Goldie will be returning. Expect low skills with high salary expectations. Those businesses involved in the overly large sunglass industry, and those who make baseball caps that go over peoples’ ears, will see a surge in business and be desperate for staff. Also included in this are a whole heap of useful people living in Australia. Doctors, nurses, teachers, farm workers, techies. Hurrah! Just remember to raise your fees before they arrive and get those ads up on SEEK pronto. We may have at least 0.5 candidates for every 1 role soon enough.

March 13 – Kiwis anywhere can return

You know those fit, tanned, young kiwis you waved off on their journey to Heathrow 3 years ago? Stare in wonderment as you see the dead-eyed monsters waddle through Auckland customs. 3 years of London living – the cold, the cramped conditions, the booze, the crap food, have turned these beach babes into beached whales. The ones they can’t save and are destroyed by dynamite. Thankfully, these fallen matinée idols won’t just be bringing back bad habits, they’re also immensely placeable in most industries. I hope we’ll be having a field day with returning recruiters. Although in rec-to-rec, there are no field days. Critical workers can also come from anywhere, as can skilled workers who earn over $85k a year. Good news for people in IT who make that a week in Wellington, and great news for recruiters who clip the ticket. Importantly, working holiday visas are back, so pervy single men – get yourself down Danny Doolans.

April 12: Anyone with a visa, and sports and music stars

Spring will see us enjoying the likes of Michael Jackson, Frank Sinatra, John Denver and Marvin Gaye live in concert once again. OJ Simpson may also be hitting homeruns for the LA Lakers at Western Springs. With student visas now being welcomed, we will also see a huge influx of contingent workers. This will be helpful for anyone wanting to fill a full-time job with two employees. Fast food restaurants will rejoice, The International College of Cambridge London English will be back in business, and we can also employ a growing number of critical workers who don’t get paid enough for the hard work they actually do.

July or earlier – Visa-waiver countries

“Club Tropicana Drinks are free!”. Slip on the Hawaiian shirt and crack open the Tesco’s bubbly. English and Aussie tourists are back! Except they’re probably not, as no one wants to spend a week self-isolating. But anyways, normal work visas will return, so we’ll be back to having to think of real excuses as to why we rejected those South Africans. More importantly, Scott Burnett’s wedding can actually have guests and not have to beam people in via Teams like Live8.

October: Everyone else

Think of the gold rush. Think of ten-pound poms. Think of young men being gifted land to farm providing they’ll shoot the odd native. It will be nothing like that. New Zealand has always been a pretty hard place to get into, and under Labour, that’s not going to change. Hopefully by this point we will have seen some changes around self-isolation, and hospo can welcome tourists into their premises and not just send them uber eats. For recruiters, we’ll see more candidates than we’ve seen in the last 2 years, and for a period of time, we’ll all rejoice. Except our clients will start recruiting directly again, loads of Kiwis will leave, our revenue will dip, and we’ll be suggesting we turn hotels into quarantine facilities. We’re a fickle bunch.

Enough of my nonsense. See you in two weeks.