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Let’s imagine for a moment that we don’t live in a country which uses the mostly fantastic MMP electoral system. Let’s pretend, perhaps as a little thought experiment on this dreary Friday morning, that come Saturday, one party will have absolute rule. No “Coalition of Chaos”. No “Coalition of Cuts”. Just a single omnipotent political party in charge of us all. Here’s the Whiteboard’s run-down, in no particular order, of what each major (and not so major) party would deliver for us Recruiters:

ACT: If you’re a Recruiter who is in any way connected to supplying automatic weapons to white supremacists, then boy have I got some good news for you! Likewise, if you’re hiring farm workers for farms who don’t care about carbon emissions, or recruit prison and police officers who like beating up brown people, you’re quids in. Sadly, it’s not all a box of fluffies. Given ACT are the only party committed to taxing poor people more (and rich Recruiters less), if you run a blue collar recruitment desk, or go near anyone who is close to minimum wage, be prepared to see your entire candidate base bugger off to Australia.

Labour: If you’re a Recruitment firm who is still deciding whether to respond to last year’s All of Government RFP, you’re gonna love the Olympic-level of indecisive and ineffectual leadership that Hipkins brings to the table. For Recruitment firms who provide Stop/Go folk for major infrastructure projects, and anyone who places contractors into government, Labour will be a real boon. Ignore the promises to cut public spending, and marvel at how Labour can take 6 years to do 6 months’ work, all whilst we clip the ticket.

The Green Party: With their “Wealth Tax Policy”, the Greens have really got it in for you million dollar billers. Also on the receiving end of their right-on-wrath is anyone recruiting in the agricultural space, anyone who in anyway recruits for any industry connected to fossil fuels, anyone who recruits for Sky City, and anyone who chooses to remove their body hair. I made that last bit up. The winners however could be plentiful. With billions pumped into healthcare, green-technology and free school dinners, those Recruiters who are happy creeping around in faux-leather sandals with a massive lump of pounamu hanging round their neck will be laughing all the way to the (ethical) bank.

NZ Loyal: Led by anti-vax conspiracy theorist and fallen tele-girl Liz Gunn, NZ Loyal promise to deliver a truly bonkers New Zealand for all of. With departure from the UN and WHO, a commitment to fire up the oil rigs again, guns for all, 1% tax, and investment in “holistic medicine”, NZ Loyal promise to deliver a New Zealand operating in total isolation from the rest of the sane world. For Recruiters who got vaccinated, we might as well quit. For the 6 that didn’t (as it’s not been properly tested but the MDMA you shove down your neck every weekend has been, you utter wallies), it’s open season. Expect to see the first million-dollar naturopath Recruiter.

National: Under single party rule, Chris Luxon, who’s hobbies include God and telling women what to do with their ovaries, will create a centre-right religious state. With a $36 tax relief for the middle classes, and a tax hole bigger and more stinky than Parnell’s sinkhole, Recruiters should expect to increase their income by fractions of a percent, whilst receiving almost zero public services. Success for us on an individual level will vary greatly depending on what industry we recruit for. For anyone recruiting roles that might actually help people, it’s goodnight. However, if your client base is owned by, or helps the friends of John Key, then it’s time to buy the boat. And the bach.

Te Pāti Māori: The election of Te Pāti Māori will send most of us scurrying to Google Translate to figure out what “Momentum”, “Inside”, and “AbsoluteIT” is in te reo. Most of us will of course get this wrong and have our offices raided by the local iwi. Again, with huge spending diverted to public services, especially those who are…ahem…”readdressing the balance”, there is plenty of dollar on offer to the right recruiters. Sadly, as someone once described by that woman from Mana Recruitment as one of the “original oppressors”, not much is coming my way. Expect however a boom in the genealogy industry as recruiters scour their family tree for a Great Uncle Wiremu.

NZ First: Given the party faithful of NZ First are mostly in their 80s, any Recruitment firm who work in the aged-care industry are going to have a field day. Actually, given NZ First’s commitment to rolling back societal developments to the 1930s, the recruitment industry may not exist at all under Winston Peters. Instead, a quill-written note placed on the window of the local hardware store will replace JobAdder. Salaries will be paid in cash in those little manila square envelopes, so no need to payroll a temp, and the people of Whangārei can get back to calling it Won-ger-ray. Like the good ol’ racist days.

Anyway, that’s enough from me. Be sure to vote if you haven’t already. Unless you plan on voting ACT, in which case those lawns really need mowing.