I should probably be writing a blog about unemployment reaching an 11 year high. I should, but I won’t. A few reasons for this; firstly, it’s an inherently boring, complicated, and misunderstood statistic, and I don’t have the energy to dissect or understand it myself. Secondly, everyone else, thanks to AI and LinkedIn, already has. And thirdly, if you need me to explain how inept and immoral this current government is, you’re already lost. Instead, let’s collectively try and help the 171,000 people looking for jobs (and as a raving socialist, I’m sure they’re all desperately looking, and absolutely none of them are happy sitting at home watching infomercials and smoking meth). Here’s a long list of tips, in no particular order, for those “between gigs”.
- Show up to an interview with recruiter or manager 5 minutes early. Not 10 minutes and certainly not late. If early, walk round the block at a pace that doesn’t make you sweat like a rapist. Don’t wait in reception for 2 hours like you’re applying for asylum.
- Be polite and engaging to whoever greets you – receptionists, tea-boy, cleaner, CEO. They’re always asked which person should get the job. Polite means smile, brief chit-chat (how’s your day?), not maniacal grin and desperate sycophancy (Your skin is so beautiful. Can I touch it?)
- Contrary to your current logic and the governments encouragement, don’t apply for every single job on SEEK. Apply for those you have a chance of actually performing. Recruitment agencies, like nightclubs, libraries, and brothels, blacklist people. If you apply to everything, you’ll eventually be considered for nothing.
- Never blame AI for not getting a job. Never. You wrote your CV and cover letter with it, stop moaning when it drafts the email explaining that you can’t bring your dog to work with you at the meat works.
- NEVER complain that you got rejected so quickly that your CV hasn’t been read. Recruiters can read a CV in milliseconds. In fact, it’s only modern slow-motion cameras that allow us to observe experienced recruiters in action. Calling, pissed off that we didn’t spend 20 minutes understanding what you did as a “computer operator” in the late ’70s does not ingratiate you to those who you need to ingratiate to.
- Understand this: Everyone who gets your application or CV desperately wants you to be perfect for the job. We want you to get a job (through us) as much as you do. We are lazy and we want to get paid. We don’t reject because of malice or spite. And we’d rather tell you quick than tell you slow. It’s best for both of us.
- Don’t sit at home unemployed with a sh*t CV
- Don’t tell me your responsibilities on your CV. Tell me what you achieved.
- Don’t tell me your responsibilities on your CV. Tell me what you achieved. This is not posted twice in error
- When a job asks for a cover letter, add a cover letter to your application. To really stand out, write it yourself, and avoid the temptation to let Claude “give you some ideas” or “edit it before sending“. If you have a personality, this might be a chance to show it.
- If you are no good on the phone, do not ring up to enquire about the job before applying. Shouting “I AM JOB! I AM JOB!” at a recruiter or hiring manager will probably hamper your chances.
- When/if you do need to speak on the phone, find a quiet room with no chance of disturbance. A good example would be your bedroom when everyone else is at work or school. Poor examples would be whilst judging a chainsaw ice carving competition, guiding down a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lightning onto an aircraft carrier, or fulfilling a lifelong ambition to sky dive Lake Wanaka.
- Dress slightly more formal than what the job entails. For men, some trousers, a shirt, and a smart jacket will probably do the trick. Think “casual kiwi wedding” not veterans League regional semifinals. For women, business casual, not 8am body-con dress, smeared lippy, and crispy knickers in handbag.
- Don’t EVER speak to a recruiter and then apply directly “just in case“. To a recruiter, this is worse than reversing over their 3 year old. If you do this, your face lives on the office dartboard until darts is outlawed by Emperor Musk.
- Don’t tell the person interviewing that you’re also looking at a wildly different job. “Yes, I’m super-passionate about this marketing role with the Poultry Industry Association, and if it doesn’t work out I’m at final stage with a similar role at PETA“.
- Do not fear psychometric testing you weirdo. Everyone does for some unknown reason, so they screw it up. Approach without fear and see yourself sail through on the sheer fact that you’re not a f*cking p*ssy.
- Do not lead with the fact that you served with the IDF. Even better, don’t serve with the IDF. You’ll secure more jobs and murder fewer babies.
- Don’t ask to speak directly with the hiring manager when the agency recruiter rejects you Karen.
- Be magnanimous in rejection, even if it feels unfair. Be the candidate that people want to call, not the one who communicates like a grumpy Margaret Thatcher.
- Don’t put a photo on your CV. Putting a photo tells us you think you’re attractive, you think we care you’re attractive, you think pervy old men/women make the decisions (actually, sadly we still do), and/or you love photos of yourself. And anyway, attractive people are annoying.
- Your CV should be 2 pages.
- If there is any ambiguity on how your name can be pronounced, write it phonetically in brackets on your CV. Yes, I know it sucks. No one buys Viognier in New Zealand because people are scared to mispronounce it. And sadly, no one calls Aoife, Tuanigamanuolepola, or Ngaire first.
- Don’t think “interview”. Think “conversation”. If they ask questions, and you answer questions, it’s a sh*t interview. Our favourite topic is ourselves. Get the interviewer onto this topic and see their hand magically ticking boxes on their stupid little form.
- Applying for a job but having no availability to interview is like talking Crocodile Dundee-era Linda Kozlowski into bed, only to read your kindle. You have the opportunity. Do not let it slip through your fingers you fool.
- I’m still thinking about Linda Kozlowski filling up that water bottle.
- I know times are tough, but don’t ask anyone to call you back to save phone credit. Some say “dress for the job you want“, I say “own a phone plan like the one you want“.
- A job paying slightly less now is better than a job paying a bit more in 9 months time. Ask any unemployed internal recruiter.
Anyway, I could go on all day. Feel free to add more below.
^SW
